Mommyhood

Elijah at 1 years old

It's been a year now since I gave birth. I cannot believe how time flies. This year has probably been the most challenging year of my life, settling in to becoming a mother for the first time. Being far from family has meant pretty much doing everything by myself which compounded everything. Was it easy? No. I felt like I was on the verge of my sanity sometimes from the stress of holding everything together. I often wished I had more help but to be honest, I've become batter as a result of it. It's funny how we grow stronger from the most difficult times in life. It forces one out of complacency to do all that is necessary. There isn't any time to laze around and think. Sometimes, having no time IS the best time. It makes us truly prioritize, trimming out the unnecessary things in life and move ahead. 

Losing identity

My Aunt-in-law, Bambi who dropped in from California asked me today, "So how does it feel to be a mom?" It was such a wide ranging question that I had to hesitate to think. Where do I start??? But before I could answer, she looked me right in the eye and said, "It makes you lose your identity, doesn't it?" BULLS EYE. She hit the nail right on the head. There's no other way to say it. Gone are the days I had the luxury of making myself a cup of hot chocolate with a hint of peppermint essence (just the way I like it) sit in my favorite spot, pull out a book and have a great read, without any interruption; or take a long hot shower; or browse at a store for hours, or have a movie night at a whim...just to name a few. These days, everything is timed to Eli's eating, sleeping and bath times. An entire day whizzes past me and all I remember doing was feeding, cleaning, bathing, playing with, entertaining, reading and finally nursing my little chipmunk to sleep. In addition to all that, I had to find enough energy to still spend quality time with the hubby. By 8pm, I am happy to slump on the couch and snore myself to sleep! Where's that hot mama with the sultry make up, punching the hours at work, hooking up with the girlfriends for a late night drink at the local Irish bar? I'm not sure. I'm sure she's still there...somewhere... My question is, how do women not lose their identity when we turn the corner from being 'hot wifey' to 'cuddly mommy'?!

Baby's Life lessons

As usual, Elton laid his hand on my belly tonight to feel the baby's kicks, turns and punches as he spoke to it. It almost seems like our baby knows it's his daddy talking to him and wants to interact the only way it can right now - by kicking me! 

I whispered excitedly, "We're going to meet our baby face to face in three months! Can you believe it?". Elton smiled and slowly said, "It's going to be the first time you'll understand how much your parents love you." I was stunned to silence. More often than not, I've always thought of myself to have turned out so differently from my parents. Hardly have I thought of myself to become like them. But somehow as I responded, the words flowed out like water, "True." It was the only thing I could think of to say. Amazing. My baby is going to help me see the world in a whole new way. 

Chicken Soup

I've been reading this book my sister-in-law, Selina bought me called "Chicken Soup for the Expectant Mother's Soul". It's truly been a blessing. Each story seemed to have been written just for someone like me - someone who's going through all the ups and downs of pregnancy, missing the life I used to have yet excited about the new life I'm entering into, frustrated about feeling exhausted all the time yet amused each time I feel my baby kick within my belly, exasperated about not being able to reach my toes anymore yet loving it everytime Elton helps me wear my socks, and nervous about parenting for the very first time, hoping I don't screw up too much yet somehow knowing deep inside that this baby is the missing piece in my life. I groan about the tribulations of pregnancy some days but then I'm reminded of the millions of expecting mothers out there in the world going through the same thing and I feel privileged and blessed again. As with any woman about to be a mother for the very first time, it's a pot of mixed feelings. 
This story I read today by Gayle Sorensen Stringer that really touched me heart: 
                In my previous life, before I was reincarnated as a mother of three, I wore clothes that fit and matched.  wore makeup and curled my hair every day. I had my eyebrows waxed and my nails done. But no one gave me graham cracker kisses. No one every told me how pretty I look in sweats.
                In my previous life, I read Time magazine and the newspaper. My repartee of regular television viewing transcended Arthur and The Magic School Bus, and I devoured all the bestselling novels. But on one asked me to read The Velveteen Rabbit at bedtime. No one ever requested The Little Engine that Could.
                 In my previous life, I had a career and friends who were more than three feet tall. People asked for my opinions and entrusted me with important projects and confidential information. I had conversations where not once was mentioned snacks or potties or play dates. But no one asked me my favorite color or why the sky is so blue. No one ever wanted me to sing.
                 In my previous life, I had a life. I frequented aerobics classes, restaurants and the theatre. I hosted parties where the themes had nothing to do with Star Wars or Winnie-the-Pooh. I shopped for myself and slept late on weekends. But no one made me Valentine cards. No one ever gave me dandelion bouquets.
                 In my previous life, I traveled, and my destinations did not hinge on theme parks or swimming pools or nap schedules. The Mayan ruins of the Yucatan, snorkeling in the Caribbean, museum hopping in Italy, Kabuki Theater in Japan...these were my playgrounds. I was the queen of the road and my destiny. But no one asked me to push the swing higher. No one ever invited me to splash in puddles or roll in the snow.
                 In my previous life, I held my emotions in check. I did not stomp my feet or grit my teeth. I could not easily be diminished to tears or tirades. I considered my demeanor as laid-back and easygoing. But no one made me care enough to cry. No one ever just loved me, anyway.
                 In my previous life, I was free. I could carve my own path and follow my dreams. Nothing stood in my way. But the path was unsure and the vision blurred. No one ever gave me purpose enough to soar, Now, I endlessly rearrange piles of laundry, crumbs and toys. I am pulled and tugged, hassled and harassed, stepped on and sat upon, and desperate for some solitude. I am jean-clad and juice-stained, bleary-eyed and graying, underpaid and overwhelmed. And sometimes I wonder who I am and what I've become. Then, one of my children shouts, "Mommy, I need you!" and it is perfectly clear.
                I am the center of the Universe. I am MOM.

Big Island tour

My friends Usha and Peter recently came to visit me from Switzerland. So it was the perfect opportunity for me to tour around Oahu to places I still had not seen. We also made a trip to the Big Island where Kilauea Volcano, a live volcano still continues to erupt and shapes the island to this day. It made me realize again, what an amazingly beautiful place Hawaii is and how fortunate I am to be surrounded by such beauty here. So different from the fast paced life in the big cities I'd been gravitating to and energized by in the past. I finally find myself learning to appreciate the slower pace of life here. However, nothing stays the same. Who knows how long I'll stay here. Perhaps there is a time and place for everything. For now, perhaps this is a good break...

Sunset at Sunset Beach at Northbeach on Oahu

Usha and Peter, enjoying the sunset at Sunset Beach on the northbeach area of Oahu 

Once we arrived on the Big Island at Kona on the west coast, we began a road trip along the north coast past a quaint little town that seemed lost in the 1950s called Hawi. Then we got a little lost and somehow ended up at this place - the Palolu lookout at Hapuu Bay. There was a hiking trail that led to the black sand beach below. We couldn't resist and began our hike down. The view was beyond spectacular.

Palolu Lookout of Hapuu Bay on the northeast coast 

View towards the valley at Hapuu Bay while hiking down to the beach below 

A stunning black sand beach, created from a volcanic eruption in the past

Another amazing landscape  of Waipio Valley at the end of the Honoka'a-Waipio road on the northeast coast 

The next day, we drove south along the west coast to another infamous black sand beach - Punalu'u Black sand Beach. The beach is too rocky for swimming though the deep blue water was tempting but it's where the sea turtles lay around in the sun. That was a pretty cool sight.

Punalu'u Black sand Beach on the southwest coast of Big Island 

Punalu'u black sand Beach

Passing by the Puako Bay area on the west side of the Big Island, we stopped to walk along a portion of the Ala Kahakai trail to see interesting ancient petroglyphs left by the Hawaiians before there were road on the island. These petroglyphs were revered as sacred charms that protected the travelers from harm and evil spirits.  

Petroglyphs left by the ancient Hawaiians on this ancient trail that once hugged the west coast of the Big Island

We stayed at the Volcano Village for a couple nights and got a chance to see the glow from Kīlauea Volcano which erupted in 1952 and still erupts occasionally to this day! Thankfully, the wind wasn't blowing the sulfuric fumes our way that night.

One of the many craters n the Volcano Park with a live volcano behind

Kilauea Volcano during the day

Kilauea volcano glow at night

Another live volcano within the Volcano Park

A bizarre sight within the Volcanic park where there was only lava from horizon to horizon, barren of any vegetation

A natural volcanic formation of an arch created by the crashing sea waves

Entire shelfs of lava have collapsed into the ocean before so we were warned to proceed with caution

A natural lava formation called Pele's Hair, created when the lava cools as it flows

A natural ground explosion as the lava below cools at a different temperature from the lava on top

The scenic road that once was here in a lush expensive neighborhood, ending abruptly with the lava flowing through

This place once used to be a lush tropical neighborhood for the rich, now covered by miles of lava 

The different colors of the lava up close, formed by minerals like copper, cobalt, sulphur and calcium

Lava Trees Park in Pahoa in the Puna District of the Big Island. It preserves lava molds of the tree trunks that were formed when a lava flow swept through a forested area in 1790. Somehow, these petrified lava logs were an elegant reminder of the trees that once lived here before the live trees that exist there now stand.

Petrified tree stumps at the Lava Trees State Park

Beautiful jurassic trees at the Lava Trees State Park in the Puna District

This Ahalanui Hot Spring area is a natural hot spring salt water pool area because of the volcanic heat from below, making it a comfortable swim, as fresh water from the sea pours in. I didn't take a dip this time but I hope to return one day and lounge in the water for a long long time.

Ahalanui Hot Spring Park at Pahoa (East coast of the Big Island) 

Ahalanui Hot Spring Park 

God said NO!

I was really touched by this poem which a friend shared with me recently. 

I ASKED GOD TO TAKE AWAY MY HABIT

God said, No.

It is not for me to take away

but for you to give it up.

I ASKED GOD TO MAKE MY HANDICAPPED CHILD WHOLE

God said, No.

His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary.

I ASKED GOD TO GRANT ME PATIENCE

God said, No.

Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;

it isn't granted, it is learned.

I ASKED GOD TO SPARE ME PAIN

God said, No.

Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares

and brings you closer to me.

I ASKED GOD TO GIVE ME HAPPINESS

God said, No.

I give you blessings;

Happiness is up to you.

I ASKED GOD TO MAKE MY SPIRIT GROW

God said, No.

You must grow on your own,

but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I ASKED GOD FOR ALL THINGS THAT I MIGHT ENJOY LIFE

God said, No.

I will give you life so you may enjoy all things.

I ASKED GOD TO HELP ME LOVE OTHERS,

AS MUCH AS HE LOVES ME.

God said...Ahhh, finally you have the idea.

Psalm 23

It's one thing to know about God and it's another thing to know God personally. This story I read recently really inspired me. Thought I'd share it:


                 A story is told of a talent show held in a small country church many years ago. Two performances stood out in people's minds that evening: the first was a visitor from the city. He was a seasoned professional actor, well trained in the shakespearean tradition. Stepping up front, he cleared his throat, and in a deep, resonant voice, the Twenty-third Psalm echoed throughout the chapel. The actor recited the classic psalm with sweeping gestures, masterful poise, and flattering eloquence. He concluded to the brisk applause of a thrilled audience. 
                The pastor let a moment pass as a brief afterglow ensued. Then the pastor nodded his head toward a farmer near the back door. "Joseph, would you be next?" the pastor said.
               "Aw, shucks," the farmer relied. "I don't know nuthin'."
               "Sure you do," the pastor said. "Come on up, Joseph."
Others joined in the coaxing until sheer embarrassment forced the farmer forward. Fidgeting from side to side, he half mumbled, "Shucks, I don't know much; but all I can think to do is quote the same psalm as this other man did. I'm not much one for reading, and it's the only one I ever learned by heart. I'm afraid this other man beat me to it."
                "Well, share it again, then," the pastor encouraged, and soon others were echoing the request.
                The farmer was in his early sixties. Hard times had fallen on his life and little farm but he remained godly and soft-spoken, a man who never complained. Swallowing hard, he stammered and started with his own paraphrase. "The Lord is my Shepherd and 'cause of that one thing, I figured I have everything I need." Detouring on a side note he continued. "Y'all know that my dear wife died six years ago. When my Helen passed, I didn't think I could go on without her. But God never left me and He reminded me that I was gonna be just fine. He said He'd be there for the kids and me, and He was."
                The farmer paused to remember which verse he was on, then continued, "He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still streams. He restores my soul. He leads me..." The farmer paused as his thoughts were interrupted by yet another remembrance. "Y'all know that when the war broke out, my boys felt it right to join up. The day they left was the last day I saw them alive. I run the farm alone now...But the Lord goes before me and prepares my table. I'm never truly alone. And when I don't think I have much left, my cup always overflows."
                Then concluded the Twenty-third Psalm: "Surely goodness and mercy will follow me and I look forward to dwelling in the house of the Lord, and I know it will be my home too, and my wife's and my boys'...forever."
                Without anyone noticing, a profound silence had filled the room; the kind when a deep respect is the only response you can give. It's the kind of silence when you don't know what to do, so you don't do anything at all. Joseph sat down, and no one moved. Then slowly, the professional actor made his way to the front again. Standing for a moment as if to find the words appropriate enough to disturb the silence, he spoke: "I may know the Shepherd's Psalm, but this man" he pointed at the farmer - "he knows the Shepherd, and that makes all the difference."
                 Knowing about God and knowing Him personally are galaxies apart. One might bring notoriety or even fame, but the other brings depth. Recognize the difference and choose well. That one decision will make all the difference.

Pre-marriage Class

A woman signed up for this class. A few days later, her fiance called the class instructor to cancel. He said, "I'm in my 50s and was married before so I've been there, done that. I've danced the dance and I don't think I will get anything out of this class so we're backing out."  I've just started going to a pre-marriage class with Elton. To be brutally honest, I've always been skeptical about these classes in the past. Everytime I heard a friend talking about it, I kind of just rolled my eyes and thought, "Oh boy, another silly recommendation by a church." But this time, call it curiosity, age or perhaps just being tired of going through too many failed relationships, I figured it couldn't hurt. Elton's openness to go actually generated more interest to endure it for the next eight weeks. Since we've started, I've realized how wrong I was with my skepticism. Each week of self-analysis has opened up discussions on how important communication is between 'life partners'. We have weekly readings as homework and even exercises to complete, prompting us to answer brutally honest questions about ourselves. I've often been surprised to learn things about myself in these introspective moments.  As much as we dread putting aside approximately an hour a week to do our homework and complete exercises, these personal discussions have become the most intimate moments we've shared, opening ourselves up in a way we probably would never broach, either out of shyness or just pure lack of time. It's shown me that no matter how right someone feels about something, it doesn't warrant being self-righteous and putting his/her partner down with hurtful words, dismissing their opinion or disrespecting the person overly or even subtly, which can often hurt even more. I'm learning how crucial it is for marriage to last in the long run, to consciously choose to respect my partner as an individual with their own thoughts and reasons for their actions and to realize that we are partners in reaching an understanding that we can both live with in the long run. 


We invest so much on all kinds of classes and celebrate passing exams and yet, we take this 'know-it-all' stance on marriage classes, when we cannot even agree on a universal definition of what 'Love' is! The fact is, we are individuals who are constantly changing. Nothing in life stays the same. Why should we think that we humans are any different. Life's circumstances, people we meet, things we see and hear, the birth of children, added responsibilities and pressures - all affect us, slowly changing our opinions, ideas, motivations, feelings and assumptions as we grow. Often times, these elements cause two individuals to grow apart.  I've discovered that some people take weekend marriage refresher classes every every once a year or couple years. Sounds like a good idea to me. Allows us to step back, refocus on each other, reassess our goals, priorities and get re-aligned with each other's feelings and direction in life. Because if not, marriage can be a very lonely and hurtful place. We can't create a perfect marriage but we can have a better marriage, if we have the courage to change....

Beautiful

I just learned that I can create a playlist of favorites videos in Youtube today. That way, I can always revisit them whenever I log into my account. Wish I knew about this neat took sooner! 


Stumbled upon this video when I was looking up one of my favorite Christian singers and was so blessed. Sometimes, God speaks in such a small, still voice that it stuns me to silence. This was one of those days. Click on this beautiful song written and sung by Kari Jobe called Beautiful.

Ultrasound again

We went for our second ultrasound today. It was amazing to see the baby so well formed already at only 5 months of age. I was amazed by how much it moves or perhaps my baby is extremely fidgety!  It was turning on it's side, to the front and moving its hands around constantly every second! One moment, the hand was on the neck, then it moved above the head, then to the face. Couldn't believe all the fingers were formed already and all the limbs look so strong. At one point, it was kicking its leg like it was throwing a tantrum. I wish I could feel it moving but I still can't feel a single thing at this point. The nurse said some mothers don't feel anything until the 7th month. Can't wait for it to get bigger so I can feel it!

Click on the play button to see the baby's heartbeat

Click on the play button to see the video of the baby sucking its thumb

Click on the play button to see the baby breathing

sucking on its thumb

This is a 3D rendition of the baby at 6oz and 8in(20cm) long. Contrary to popular belief the long object at the bottom is the umbilical cord and not something else...

It already has facial features and we got this picture when it opened its mouth for a moment