Psalm 23

It's one thing to know about God and it's another thing to know God personally. This story I read recently really inspired me. Thought I'd share it:


                 A story is told of a talent show held in a small country church many years ago. Two performances stood out in people's minds that evening: the first was a visitor from the city. He was a seasoned professional actor, well trained in the shakespearean tradition. Stepping up front, he cleared his throat, and in a deep, resonant voice, the Twenty-third Psalm echoed throughout the chapel. The actor recited the classic psalm with sweeping gestures, masterful poise, and flattering eloquence. He concluded to the brisk applause of a thrilled audience. 
                The pastor let a moment pass as a brief afterglow ensued. Then the pastor nodded his head toward a farmer near the back door. "Joseph, would you be next?" the pastor said.
               "Aw, shucks," the farmer relied. "I don't know nuthin'."
               "Sure you do," the pastor said. "Come on up, Joseph."
Others joined in the coaxing until sheer embarrassment forced the farmer forward. Fidgeting from side to side, he half mumbled, "Shucks, I don't know much; but all I can think to do is quote the same psalm as this other man did. I'm not much one for reading, and it's the only one I ever learned by heart. I'm afraid this other man beat me to it."
                "Well, share it again, then," the pastor encouraged, and soon others were echoing the request.
                The farmer was in his early sixties. Hard times had fallen on his life and little farm but he remained godly and soft-spoken, a man who never complained. Swallowing hard, he stammered and started with his own paraphrase. "The Lord is my Shepherd and 'cause of that one thing, I figured I have everything I need." Detouring on a side note he continued. "Y'all know that my dear wife died six years ago. When my Helen passed, I didn't think I could go on without her. But God never left me and He reminded me that I was gonna be just fine. He said He'd be there for the kids and me, and He was."
                The farmer paused to remember which verse he was on, then continued, "He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still streams. He restores my soul. He leads me..." The farmer paused as his thoughts were interrupted by yet another remembrance. "Y'all know that when the war broke out, my boys felt it right to join up. The day they left was the last day I saw them alive. I run the farm alone now...But the Lord goes before me and prepares my table. I'm never truly alone. And when I don't think I have much left, my cup always overflows."
                Then concluded the Twenty-third Psalm: "Surely goodness and mercy will follow me and I look forward to dwelling in the house of the Lord, and I know it will be my home too, and my wife's and my boys'...forever."
                Without anyone noticing, a profound silence had filled the room; the kind when a deep respect is the only response you can give. It's the kind of silence when you don't know what to do, so you don't do anything at all. Joseph sat down, and no one moved. Then slowly, the professional actor made his way to the front again. Standing for a moment as if to find the words appropriate enough to disturb the silence, he spoke: "I may know the Shepherd's Psalm, but this man" he pointed at the farmer - "he knows the Shepherd, and that makes all the difference."
                 Knowing about God and knowing Him personally are galaxies apart. One might bring notoriety or even fame, but the other brings depth. Recognize the difference and choose well. That one decision will make all the difference.

Pre-marriage Class

A woman signed up for this class. A few days later, her fiance called the class instructor to cancel. He said, "I'm in my 50s and was married before so I've been there, done that. I've danced the dance and I don't think I will get anything out of this class so we're backing out."  I've just started going to a pre-marriage class with Elton. To be brutally honest, I've always been skeptical about these classes in the past. Everytime I heard a friend talking about it, I kind of just rolled my eyes and thought, "Oh boy, another silly recommendation by a church." But this time, call it curiosity, age or perhaps just being tired of going through too many failed relationships, I figured it couldn't hurt. Elton's openness to go actually generated more interest to endure it for the next eight weeks. Since we've started, I've realized how wrong I was with my skepticism. Each week of self-analysis has opened up discussions on how important communication is between 'life partners'. We have weekly readings as homework and even exercises to complete, prompting us to answer brutally honest questions about ourselves. I've often been surprised to learn things about myself in these introspective moments.  As much as we dread putting aside approximately an hour a week to do our homework and complete exercises, these personal discussions have become the most intimate moments we've shared, opening ourselves up in a way we probably would never broach, either out of shyness or just pure lack of time. It's shown me that no matter how right someone feels about something, it doesn't warrant being self-righteous and putting his/her partner down with hurtful words, dismissing their opinion or disrespecting the person overly or even subtly, which can often hurt even more. I'm learning how crucial it is for marriage to last in the long run, to consciously choose to respect my partner as an individual with their own thoughts and reasons for their actions and to realize that we are partners in reaching an understanding that we can both live with in the long run. 


We invest so much on all kinds of classes and celebrate passing exams and yet, we take this 'know-it-all' stance on marriage classes, when we cannot even agree on a universal definition of what 'Love' is! The fact is, we are individuals who are constantly changing. Nothing in life stays the same. Why should we think that we humans are any different. Life's circumstances, people we meet, things we see and hear, the birth of children, added responsibilities and pressures - all affect us, slowly changing our opinions, ideas, motivations, feelings and assumptions as we grow. Often times, these elements cause two individuals to grow apart.  I've discovered that some people take weekend marriage refresher classes every every once a year or couple years. Sounds like a good idea to me. Allows us to step back, refocus on each other, reassess our goals, priorities and get re-aligned with each other's feelings and direction in life. Because if not, marriage can be a very lonely and hurtful place. We can't create a perfect marriage but we can have a better marriage, if we have the courage to change....

Away from Home

My brother just moved to New Zealand. This is his first time living away from home. It’s also his first time being away from all things familiar – family, friends, parents. Everytime we talk, I realize how different each person’s life experiences are. Granted, my brother and I have always been polar opposites. However, even if two people are living in the same place at the same time, I think each person tend to have a different take on things. Afterall, no two people are the same. We’re all unique individuals with unique perspectives on things, outlook on life and motivations. Truth is, we each have our own journeys to walk; our own choices to make, our own destinations to arrive at. And the journey is different for each one of us. Perhaps that’s what’s most important. The journey and not the destination. That journey can make or break our spirit. Being an avid traveller and having lived in three different countries and multiple cities, I've met all kinds of people. The more interesting ones, the ones I find myself drawn to, the ones who inspire me are, ironically, not the ones who are successful; it's not the ones who've made big money; it's not the ones who think their life is over. It's the ones who know their lives are not perfect. They live very ordinary lives but are honest with themselves. Rather than be crippled by their failures, they see opportunities to improve themselves. The make me realize no matter what happens to me, all I need to do is to have the right perspective in life and to keep going. They remind me that eventhough life's not perfect, it's the little things that matter. Being able to laugh, knowing I'm learning everyday, bring able to contribute to something worthwhile, making a difference and being the best I can be for myself, life can be great, nomatter what happens. 

Forgiveness

The message at church today was about forgiveness. It brought back a lot of memories listening to this sermon. Throughout my late teens and 20-something years, I used to harbor a lot of unforgiveness in my heart. On the outside, I hid it with my smiles and laughter. I was hurt by an immediate family member and the betrayal was so painful, it scarred me for a long time. I was so embarrassed by it, I kept it from friends who were close to me so they would not judge or look down on me. I felt everything I needed to live successfully was stripped from me. I tried to reach out to two family members but they were too busy picking up their lives or couldn't really help. To cope with my hopelessness, I turned my unforgiveness into anger as a coping mechanism to move on. I thought that as long as I kept the people who hurt me out of my life, as long as I used my own way to pick myself up and move on, I would be okay. Besides being a great escape from my pain, my anger made me strong. I shut out my vulnerabilities. In my heart I swore I'd never let anyone hurt me again. I even started rejecting God for allowing this circumstance to happen to me. I lied to myself that I wasn't hurt anymore. Ironically, it is possible to lie to everyone including oneself to a point that one is fooled enough to believe it. The truth is, on the outside, I looked strong but on the inside, my spirit was slowly dying.  Unbeknownst to me, what I thought made me stronger was slowly eating me up inside. It festered into bitterness, self righteousness and hate. My heart hardened as the years passed by and I grew colder and colder inside. I shut out anything and everyone who hurt  me. One day, over a decade later, I realized I could not cry! For a couple years, I tried every method I could but I could not even cry a drop! A red siren went off in my head that something was terribly wrong with me. Another turning point came when my brother said I'd become a cold person. Fifteen years of bitterness had turned me into someone I did not recognize anymore. And it all started with unforgiveness. When someone has operated in a certain way for a long time and then decides to change, change does not come easy. I hit a wall. No matter how hard I tried, I could not find meaning or fullness in my life. I decided to search for meaning in life again. 

It is when I decided to release my unforgiveness that my healing began. In desperation, I turned back to God and asked for help. I felt my heart begin to soften. He began an amazing inner surgery on me to change my attitude about life. It's humbling to receive the grace and mercy He afforded me despite how far I had strayed and the many, many 'Why's I asked all those years. I began accepting that I could not have life the way I wished- a certain way of living, a certain kind of family, etc. I started believing that there was a reason things happen the way they do and that no matter how I'd messed it up, that God is able to change it around for good. Ironically, it was when I decided to forgive, that I began to understand why the people who hurt me did what they did. It's wasn't about wanting to hear apologies from anyone. It was about releasing myself so that healing could enter my being. I eventually found peace again. Habits I felt could never be broken did. It was nothing short of a miracle to me.

Today, I can truely say that I've forgiven. But it took me years to get to a place of healing. The longer I allowed the anger and unforgiveness to live in me, the deeper my scars got and the longer it took to heal. God made each of us unique on our own ways with certain gifts. But one thing he did not create us to be was to be a judge of others and decide who is worth forgiving and who isn't. We were not made to harbor grudges, unforgiveness, vengeance or anger internally. It will silently fester inside until all you feel is emptiness. Then a desperate need to grasp at anything that will make you feel something, eventhough you know it's self destructive. Pastor Wayne said today, bitterness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Getting hurt is a very real part of life. Sometimes, the methods we choose to make us stronger can actually hurt us even more. I did that. And it led me down a very dark path. My relationship with God lately has brought me through a journey which has miraculously restored love, relationships and friendships lost. I never imagined things could ever turn out the way it has. God's love is amazing. I am ever so grateful to rediscover a love greater than any I have and will ever know. 

I remember a song I used to sing as a teenager. It goes like this:

God will make a way when there seems to be no way

He works in ways we cannot see

He will make a way for me

He will be my guide

Hold me closely to His side

With love and strength for each new day

He will make a way

The bible says in Colossians 3:12-14:

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, humility, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you my have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Aunty Lucy

We met up with three generations of women on Elton’s side of the family today to celebrate Mother’s Day. I gave each of the women in the family a present which I had brought with me from China. It is such a joy seeing the looks on their faces when they open their gifts. I’ve never been a big fan of gift giving. To be honest, I’m always uncomfortable about getting people gifts. I always worry too much whether they’d like it and the thought of getting something someone hates scares me so much I avoid it at all cost. So today, when thinking of something I can learn from, I realized the joy of giving. Sometimes, it’s not about the gift but the giving. Doesn’t matter how small or how big. It’s the thought that counts.

Then I thought of my Aunt Lucy. If there’s one person in my life who has taught me the joy of giving, she’s it. I call her Kuche Lucy. Kuche means younger aunt in Cantonese. She’s always giving somebody something, sometimes even to the point of frustrating family members because she gives more than she can afford. When I was a kid, she used to take me to the temples and give me pennies to throw into the bags of beggars sitting beside the pathway. In my teens, she taught me about being enterprising by encouraging me to sell book holders in school. The last time I saw her last January, she shared a little story that struck a deep chord with me.

She’s currently a member of her the community council at her neighborhood. Every year, the council decides to organize a special function for Christmas. In the past, they have always had some sort of party for the neighborhood. On three occasions, she’d suggested throwing a luncheon for the garbage truck collectors and on each occasion was struck down. Last year, she suggested it again. Frustrated with the idea of it, they finally agreed on the condition that she organized it herself. And that is exactly what she did. With no location to throw the party, she decided to ask the President of the community’s Chamber of Commerce if he would rent out a space at the local shop lot to throw a party for 10 garbage truck collectors who were all foreign workers from Myanmar, Thailand, Laos and Indonesia. He was so touched by the idea that he decided not only to let her use a large shoplot for free, he even volunteered a large contribution for her to arrange the catering! So she organized a big buffet for them and in her usual casual way, waited for the garbage collectors to come by the next week and told them to come for a meeting on the designated day. When they arrived on the day of the party, many of them were moved to tears. They thanked her with heartfelt words, telling her about the discrimination they sometimes faced living in Malaysia, how hard it was being separated from their families and living like invisible people in a foreign land. This Christmas, she shared the joy of being an equal in God's eyes.

If I ever have a daughter, I will name her Lucy. So each time I look at her, I will be reminded of Kuche Lucy’s kindness, her charity, her modesty, her humility, her boldness and her sensitivity to the things many people don’t see. Sometimes, it’s the simplest things in people that make them so special. 

Old friends

It's easy to have many friends but good friends are rare. And it seems to get harder to find them the older you are for some reason. Perhaps we're less open to new things later in life. I chatted with two old friends today on skype. They were totally unplanned calls. Sometimes, those are the best. Even if they're 10 minutes long. Even if we're on opposite sides of the planet. Old friends are comforting. The best part is just talking about everyday things in life. Nothing special. Just catching up on things and hearing about their life. Somehow, it's grounding. Problems seem smaller. It's like time never passed. Or even if it did, things are still ok. We move on and make the most of what life throws our way. And with a little help from above, everything will be alright. 

Love is Hard

Elton and I re-dedicated our love to each other again today. We had a big blow up yesterday. For about 15 minutes, we said a lot of mean things to each other which were hurtful, damaging and cruel things to each other.  In the course of us being hurt and upset, we quickly forget what the issue is really about. Daggers come out and all we want to do is be right and hurt the other more and more so we get our way. I think each time couples argue, a little love is lost. I was at this low point where I could not see what we were working towards anymore. I felt like we were heading in a different direction where there was more and more lack of respect for each other, less regard for things that made us loving partners who edified each other, protected one another, is unselfish, giving, forgiving. 


I felt so broken hearted, I did not know what to do. Elton suggested focusing on the biggest I love I have in me - my relationship with God. He suggested we pray together every morning when we wake up and every night before we go to bed. The last couple days have been the most wonderful days we've spent together. Our consciousness seem to have open up.  As we've allowed God to be the center of our lives, He has drawn us closer to each other in ways I've never imagined. When we pray together, we become in tuned with what is at the crux of our concerns for the day, week or the day before as we listen to each other's prayer. We're more sensitive to each other's feelings. During the day, unconsciously we love each other through selection of words, expressions and tone of voice. Loving someone is hard. It's a continuous learning process. We've got so much to learn. But I think with the right person, it's going to be worth it all.