Forgiveness

The message at church today was about forgiveness. It brought back a lot of memories listening to this sermon. Throughout my late teens and 20-something years, I used to harbor a lot of unforgiveness in my heart. On the outside, I hid it with my smiles and laughter. I was hurt by an immediate family member and the betrayal was so painful, it scarred me for a long time. I was so embarrassed by it, I kept it from friends who were close to me so they would not judge or look down on me. I felt everything I needed to live successfully was stripped from me. I tried to reach out to two family members but they were too busy picking up their lives or couldn't really help. To cope with my hopelessness, I turned my unforgiveness into anger as a coping mechanism to move on. I thought that as long as I kept the people who hurt me out of my life, as long as I used my own way to pick myself up and move on, I would be okay. Besides being a great escape from my pain, my anger made me strong. I shut out my vulnerabilities. In my heart I swore I'd never let anyone hurt me again. I even started rejecting God for allowing this circumstance to happen to me. I lied to myself that I wasn't hurt anymore. Ironically, it is possible to lie to everyone including oneself to a point that one is fooled enough to believe it. The truth is, on the outside, I looked strong but on the inside, my spirit was slowly dying.  Unbeknownst to me, what I thought made me stronger was slowly eating me up inside. It festered into bitterness, self righteousness and hate. My heart hardened as the years passed by and I grew colder and colder inside. I shut out anything and everyone who hurt  me. One day, over a decade later, I realized I could not cry! For a couple years, I tried every method I could but I could not even cry a drop! A red siren went off in my head that something was terribly wrong with me. Another turning point came when my brother said I'd become a cold person. Fifteen years of bitterness had turned me into someone I did not recognize anymore. And it all started with unforgiveness. When someone has operated in a certain way for a long time and then decides to change, change does not come easy. I hit a wall. No matter how hard I tried, I could not find meaning or fullness in my life. I decided to search for meaning in life again. 

It is when I decided to release my unforgiveness that my healing began. In desperation, I turned back to God and asked for help. I felt my heart begin to soften. He began an amazing inner surgery on me to change my attitude about life. It's humbling to receive the grace and mercy He afforded me despite how far I had strayed and the many, many 'Why's I asked all those years. I began accepting that I could not have life the way I wished- a certain way of living, a certain kind of family, etc. I started believing that there was a reason things happen the way they do and that no matter how I'd messed it up, that God is able to change it around for good. Ironically, it was when I decided to forgive, that I began to understand why the people who hurt me did what they did. It's wasn't about wanting to hear apologies from anyone. It was about releasing myself so that healing could enter my being. I eventually found peace again. Habits I felt could never be broken did. It was nothing short of a miracle to me.

Today, I can truely say that I've forgiven. But it took me years to get to a place of healing. The longer I allowed the anger and unforgiveness to live in me, the deeper my scars got and the longer it took to heal. God made each of us unique on our own ways with certain gifts. But one thing he did not create us to be was to be a judge of others and decide who is worth forgiving and who isn't. We were not made to harbor grudges, unforgiveness, vengeance or anger internally. It will silently fester inside until all you feel is emptiness. Then a desperate need to grasp at anything that will make you feel something, eventhough you know it's self destructive. Pastor Wayne said today, bitterness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Getting hurt is a very real part of life. Sometimes, the methods we choose to make us stronger can actually hurt us even more. I did that. And it led me down a very dark path. My relationship with God lately has brought me through a journey which has miraculously restored love, relationships and friendships lost. I never imagined things could ever turn out the way it has. God's love is amazing. I am ever so grateful to rediscover a love greater than any I have and will ever know. 

I remember a song I used to sing as a teenager. It goes like this:

God will make a way when there seems to be no way

He works in ways we cannot see

He will make a way for me

He will be my guide

Hold me closely to His side

With love and strength for each new day

He will make a way

The bible says in Colossians 3:12-14:

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, humility, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you my have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.